If You're Talking to Me, Your Career Must Be in Trouble

the long version

What P. J. O'Rourke did for Washington, Joe Queenan now does for Hollywood: tick it off. His hilarious essays for Rolling Stone and Movieline have made him persona non grata among stars and studio executives, so when he sent out seventy-five letters to actors and actresses requesting interviews, only two responded: publicists for Liza Minnelli and Raul Julia said no. This self-proclaimed "mean-spirited turnip" has sent the denizens of Tinseltown reeling with such classics as "Sacred Cow" (about Barbra Streisand) and "The Dark Side of the Moon" (an avid appreciation of Melanie Griffith's endowments), not to mention "Mickey Rourke for a Day," in which our fearless author impersonates the well-known bad boy by smoking eighty-seven Marlboros within twenty-four hours and degrading women on the streets of New York. And here, for celluloid junkies everywhere, are such fascinating tidbits as Kim Basinger's relationship to jalapeno peppers; why Bob Dylan lost out on a chance to appear in Goodfellas; how Sean Young developed her mathematical skills; the influence of Albert Camus, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and Pia Zadora on Woody Allen; and the nature of Oliver Stone's obsession with testicles, drugs, mutilation, and the meaning of life. The greats, near-greats, and never-rans of Hollywood will no doubt continue to ignore this deflator of huge egos, who writes in a spirit of "cheerful, life-affirming malice."